I have been skirting around the edges for years about being kinder to me and taking time to be the best I can be so I can help those around me. It was sort of like a hole that no matter how much dirt you place into it, it never was full. Slowly but
surely I was grinding to a halt – but that did in fact take years. For many years I have tried to balance my life with positive outlooks, food, exercise, meditation, weight control and being able to juggle my busy and very crazy life. But I always fell short and have always procrastinated about doing something about it.. Sort of like a self sabotage if you will. It has only been lately as I have worked through my
past and putting it all to bed and moving into the present that I have been able to continue my journey to the new me. Without that I was doomed to continue asking the same question and expecting a different answer.
Before my recent diagnosis I had been listening to my body scream non-stop at me. I knew that I needed to change but just did not fully understand what it was that I needed to do and it sent me into an extremely dark and bad place and was ill all the time with colds and flus etc. I began to explore, looking for the place of light and calmness I so desperately needed with in my mind and just knew immediately that it was not as simple as changing jobs. I also knew in my heart that this was the time and place that I had to stop thinking about it and start doing it. So had started to look at ways to calm and open my body and soul to be happier and healthier. I had started into this journey when I was told that after 8 years, my breast cancer had returned and was secondary. Because I was already on the path to the “new and improved” me I took it in my stride and just began to search for ideas, meditation and reasoning and a way to make it go away. I would not and still do not listen to those who say I have it forever and just have to learn to live with it.
I thought I was looking for new and radical things that I had never experienced before, but it turned out that the more I found the more I understand that my body and mind knew what it was it needed and really, it has always known, I had just chosen to push it to the back of the room and ignore it.
This blog is a huge part of balancing my life and I need to write and so write I will indeed do and share my discoveries and experiences
I now take time for “me” (something I had never done in the past) meditate daily and have taken up Tai Chi. I continue to look for things that are in tune with me and that feel right. The list of things I do now is growing on very regular basis because I know I cannot be there to assist others if I cannot take care of myself.
I have a totally unwavering belief that I am doing just fine no matter what the outcome. I take test results as a new tool to work with and not as the “end” and it is working. Treatment is never ending and totally tiring but it works for me and hopefully will for a very long time. With each day I totally believe that I am winning . I live in hope that it may not be today but one day in the future my cancer will not be detectable on tests and the doctors will be suitably amazed. It is equally OK if it does not work out that way.. As you can see, there are two forces at work here.. I am an optimistic realist. I work towards the best possible outcome.. and am realistic at the same time. Where there is hope there is life. I am well on the way to the “new me” and enjoying every single day of it. Cancer is not my reason, it has just become my catalyst to finish what I started years ago !