Day 17 – Hopeful
Today is the day.. I cannot put it off any longer. No more excuses or extensions, no lunches, anniversaries, cranky coughs or anything else I could find to put up as a roadblock.
It is the day that I begin taking my latest ‘cancer hunter’, Xeloda.
The last seven weeks without medication have been invaluable even thought my squatters have been also given a party voucher and no doubt have been using it. I really needed to regain some overall health and this was the best way to go about it. Quite honestly, if I had of started directly from Afinitor and Exemestane straight onto Xeloda then I just know there would have been trouble. I actually sit and think (if you take away my cranky cough – not lung met connected at all YAY. Just a cough compliments of my husband) I am actually feeling quite well with exception of the never ending fatigue that always pops up at the most inappropriate times and it is a nice place to be sitting. I have certainly sent the darkside packing and I am grateful for that. I will be ready for when it once again arrives at my door.
Today seemed hard and easy all at the same time. In the past, I have always booked an appointment, wandered into the oncology unit at my hospital and been plugged in and my chemotherapy was done. It seemed quite easy to do this as even though it required me to show up, it was out of my hands and that worked well.
Xeloda is a different chemotherapy treatment. It is in a tablet form and for now it is three in the morning and three late afternoon. I am in control and I have to physically decide to take the tablets.
It is mentally difficult to convince yourself that picking up tablets and taking them is good for you knowing that there will no doubt be some side effects that come with it as time passes. Strangely you find yourself battling with yourself about the good things it could bring verses the fear of the what if syndrome. I fully appreciate the option of not taking the tablets and what that would mean to my squatters – a totally free ride to wreak havoc inside me. Where taking them gives me a chance and hope that they will at very least slow them down and make the squatters lives rather difficult.
The sensible part of me reads that and cannot see the issue – just take the tablets!!
The little child part of me does not want to bring any further ‘what if’ into my life right now.
It is really quite a pointless discussion as right here and right now, there is no real discussion, I was always going to start taking them but I just needed to settle my silly mind about it being all OK and the thing that we would concentrate on and just do. It all comes down to balance. Balance for a quality of life. Balance for the chance to slow the squatters down for a while longer. Balance to live my life to the full under my circumstances.
So far, encouraging myself to think things through with my 37 day challenge have helped to refocus on the things that are truly important and my armour has been repaired yet again and I can just keep on turtling.
I have so many things to do and am so very hopeful that this treatment will assist me to keep on doing what I do.
At the end of the day, it is what it is and I have choices on how I deal with it and make choices each and every day and just keep moving.