It has been a little while since I opened up my mind and really shared the thoughts that are rattling around in there.
Each day I work really hard looking for something good or better still great about the day and run with it. It helps to keep me balanced and in a good place no matter what my squatters (cancer) are up to.
Just lately, it has become a little harder as my sleep has been missing in action and I have not been feeling overly well or energetic. All this even though I have been granted a six week ‘treatment break’ to get ready for my next chemotherapy – Xeloda. A break granted because the last treatment – Afinitor with Exemestane was no longer working and was indeed creating mischief from within. All the while, my squatters were laughing and pulling faces and ignoring the treatment.
Slowly but surely three years of continuous ‘scan, treat, repeat’ along with constant monitoring of mental and physical health, side effects and well being wears even the toughest turtles down and you find that the ‘dark side’ is lurking around in the front garden trying to find a way inside.
I try to work on the theory that you can invite any thought in for a cup of tea and have a chat. If need be, you can allow it to stay overnight but then, if at all possible you need to kick it out before breakfast and not dwell on the thought any longer. Especially if it was going to cause you undue harm by hanging about for too long.
I believe that blocking those ‘negative’ thoughts or ‘what if’ ideas is counter productive and when you build a wall in a vain attempt to avoid dealing those thoughts, then you will only crash harder when they eventually flood in.
I am still hopeful and have faith that everything that I do
– conventional western treatment
– complimentary therapies (naturopathic and acupuncture)
– tai chi
– good food
– and generally living life
is the best combination for me. I believe that ‘it is what it is’ and no negative thoughts will make it worse it just makes me feel sad and ‘heavy’ and I really do not have time for that. I work on feeling as good as I can and be as healthy as I can be – all things considered. It is about living with a quality of life the best way that I can.
There are indeed no miracle cures for my squatters. No amount of things written on the internet will change that. I am tired of being told I should do this and it will cure me. Worse still I am sick of hearing that I should not be doing ‘this’ or ‘that’ as it will feed the cancer.
The fact is that right now in 2015 we are taking many statistically driven, educated guesses based on what we know and what we think we know. If we actually had all the answers then there would be a cure for stage IV cancers. There has been so much that has changed in the past 30 years and I am sure it is for the better. Even in the 11 years since I was first visited by cancer so much has changed. Obviously, there is still so much more to do.
In the future, who knows where the individualized targeted treatment path will lead. I am excited by the possibilities that I see. It is sobering to know that of all the discoveries made that over 70% of them will never become a useful tool in the fight against cancer. That still leaves 30% and that still a huge amount of discoveries that will go on to become yet another piece of the puzzle that is found.
I will not be taken in by the conspiracy theories. The very consistent and tired cry ‘there is a cure but no-one will listen because there is too much money to be made from people staying sick and dying. I choose not to believe this as I feel that people in the field of medicine are mostly there for the right reasons and trying their best to help not harm.
The reality is that for alternative ideas and therapies to be accepted by the mainstream they need to play by the rules of the majority and undertake scientific and clinically accepted trials and prove what they are saying is true. In this way there can be no arguments or finger pointing. But hearing that some ‘alternative treatment clinics’ have an 80% success rate with no detailed information on this is just concerning. Cancer patients want to be cured and many will do just about anything to make that happen and sometimes at a huge cost to just try.
I am still here today and will continue to work towards waking up each morning and continuing to live and enjoy life as much as possible. Right at this point there is no other option on the horizon. Just keep on turtling and finding something wonderful in each day. Life is not a test run, this is it and I still plan to make the most of it.
So what is gratitude, love and living all about?
As a turtle I can be a little slow but I have decided that from today and until New Years Day, I will post thoughts and pictures about gratitude, love and living life.
I will use it to help me send the ‘dark side’ away where it is only a fleeting thought for a short time. Worrying about something will never ever change the outcome. Working on what I can change is a better use of my time where drowning in the ‘what if syndrome’ is certainly no fun at all. It is also easier said than done but I have a vested interest in the end result!
So with my camera in hand (or my phone LOL) watch out for some posts helping me to send the ‘darkside’ back away and get my head space back to full turtle mode. I also invite you all to participate and post your thoughts each day and even some quick pics into the comments if you like. I am hoping to create a huge amount of good vibes around the place for more than just me.