Fear is Strong, But Hope is Stronger

Is today a special day? Well yes and no. It is not an anniversary, or my birthday it is indeed a day in May that comes after yesterday and sits before tomorrow. Today will indeed be classified into the awesome category none the less, because I am still here and still living so by definition, it is a special day.

It is easy to sit here and write that as words can come very easily and be placed on a page. I can make my life sound so very easy and amazing and in some ways it is. I can make it sound like I am always positive and strong as words can help but I would indeed be lying. Life is just not like that. Nobody can (or should) claim that their life is always like that. The difference as I see it is how you deal with what your life presents to you.

Today it is officially 10 years, 6 months and 1 day since I first heard the words – You have breast cancer.
It is also 2 years, 6 months and 5 days since I then was told – You have Secondary Breast Cancer and we cannot cure you.
But that is not my full story..  Only a small part of it that now will be entwined with every day into the future.  You see
It is 29 years, 3 months, 27 days since I began life with my soul mate
It is 21 years, 5 months, 12 days since my son came into the world
It is 12 years, 4 months, 21 days since we moved into the home we built together
It is 21 days ago that after saying goodbye to the frog that called my pond home for Summer that 2 new and different frogs have shifted in – Hopefully for Winter
It is 14 days ago that I finally was able to get a picture of this little guy.  Turns out he is an Eastern Spinebill.  The exciting thing is that around the same area there were other tiny birds and I assumed they were females, but no, it looks like they are small wrens of some type..  So very exciting, no small birds have been here for so very long and it looks like they are returning!!

and the list goes on.. Life is not defined by one thing, it is defined by a lifetime of experiences and memories.

Just recently, I had found myself not dealing with life’s little challenges as well as I possibly could. I am sure that in allowing the sadness and fear of the unknown to visit and then pass through that I am now able to continue on down the path of living with Secondary Breast Cancer and all that comes with. As I sit on the outside looking back at it all, it is totally normal and I am good with it.  The feeling of heaviness and dread is certainly not fun but considering the extreme highs and lows that my life can serve up, I feel it is really quite acceptable and normal.  It is like a swinging pendulum that moves from calm, accepting and happy to scared, weary and afraid. Each time I find myself dropping into the “dark side” it is by accepting the thoughts and not trying to dismiss them that I can make it back to my “happy place”.  It is not always done by myself and I send a huge thank you out to my “dark catchers” – thank you, thank you, thank you.

Please understand that for my head to enter the dark side, it can be a situation I come across, or after a long course of chemotherapy or a non-cancer health issue that just wears me so very thin both physically and mentally that it is impossible not to slip out of the light for just a while.  I truly believe that fighting the thoughts make it all worse and it takes longer. Being angry with myself for having them also makes the trip longer and more painful.

Why am I sharing such a personal and private thing ?  Because I think it matters.  I think it can be applied to so many of our life situations.  We are always in such a hurry these days with no time for ourselves that when the bucket is full, there is no more room and it can all just fall apart.  It does not need to be cancer, it can be anything that is filling your bucket and stealing your peace and balance.  But ignoring it and not accepting the thoughts will only fill the bucket more quickly.

I have seen expressions of fear and worry and the terrible and hard to control “what if syndrome” from many sources and it has indeed been heightened lately with the loss of so many beautiful young ladies who have all gained their pink angel wings.  I do not claim to have all the answers. Not even close, but today I just wanted to share how I try to get through my days, weeks, months and years (hopefully many more too)

– Tomorrow has not arrived and even though we may suspect what will happen, we will not know until it arrives – worrying about it will not alter the outcome

– Today is here and no matter how daunting the day seems, there will always be a little something hiding waiting to give you a smile. Stop, take a breath and look for it and hold onto it

– If today is just all too hard, don’t worry, accept it for what it is and look forward to tomorrow as it will most probably be better

– Make educated and informed decisions, do not be afraid to ask for help and ask as many questions as it takes for you to feel comfortable with major decisions

– I certainly have my days where fear rules, but it is never for long as I know that hope is stronger and a much better companion

– Find something you love doing and make the time. No excuses, make the time

– Choose your battles and accept those things that you cannot change and spend time working on those that you can

– Purely through experience I have learned that it is what it is and I will treat my body with respect and love and in the end, it is enough. There is nothing more I can do

– Negative friends are not really friends

I understand the fear of “it” coming back.

I understand the fear of every ache and pain being “it”

I understand that statistics can be your friend or your enemy but they still do not and never will  know the individual circumstances. They are just a guide.

– Most importantly,

Live Live Now,

Don’t Just Exist Through it