It has been such a big week and I have just sat down and read my post of July 4th, So what are my Squatters up to? My how so very much can change in such a small amount of time. I hope it all flows and is not too disjointed. If it is, I apologise in advance.
I must start off by saying that since starting with my Naturopath and wandering off down the path of the Autoimmune Protocol (Paleo) that I have been slowly improving in energy, sleep patterns, loss of bloating and feeling sick (and a few kg). Along with bright and shiny eyes and a mind that has turned back on and left the fog behind. My numbers on the next blood test were awesome as my red cells were bright eyed and bushy tailed. My inflammation markers were down a little more and my infection markers were close to normal at 4.2. But, and yes there is always a but my CA marker was up yet again (no surprise, my bones have been reminding me that they are there!!) and more of a concern was my liver markers raising to over 300. So with this in mind, it was off the Oncologist early to discuss my pain and the numbers on the test..
No rocket science in the room really, just a request for a whole body bone scan and a CT to see what my squatters were up to..
I do believe that I will need to sack my Security Team!!!.. While they were not looking, and probably having a break and a cuppa, have obviously left the emergency exit door ajar and a new set of squatters have moved in.
It is strange, but I actually was not surprised when I was told that my liver was now in the equation.. The bit that really threw me was being told of the unauthorised party going on in there.
The ‘older’ squatters in the various bones are waking up just a little too and the craziest one of them is about to be zapped with the ray gun (insert evil laugh here X).
I still cannot figure out how I can be having a totally awesome time modelling for the whole weekend with numerous shows for the High Tea at the Hilton (benefiting the National Breast Cancer Foundation) and the next sitting in my Oncologist’s office discussion getting a new Power Port and arranging some radiation and then chemotherapy.
Such a fun weekend. Something I will never ever forget..
Wonderful Reasons and a fantastic bunch of women!!!
It really did leave me just a little numb and every time I look at my picture in the awesome frock in amazement and disbelief that it could really be happening.
For just a few days, I was seriously lost and it felt like being right back at the original diagnosis where your mind is your worst enemy and has you dead and buried a week from Tuesday!!! and even today after the loss of two wonderful friends from my support group it is still quite hit and miss and I will continue to just put one foot infront of the other to get back to a better place and mindset at where I am right now is counter productive and tiring to say the least!!!
I do not mind telling you that all the things that I have already experienced in relation to my not so ‘nice’ love affair with chemotherapy came rushing back and vision of an average of six days in hospital each and every time there was treatment was firmly planted in my head. Mainly because we are going to be using cyclophoslimide apparently an oldie but a goodie (and yes, I had it 10 years ago) this time, along with Taxotere.
Once again, my family are at the coal face of my thoughts as I began to spiral down the path to despair, fear and loss. Then I moved to the amount of things that I have still go to do, achieve and experience and looked at my Don’t Wait – Just Do It List. All the while running about arranging appointments, visits, procedures, food shopping, forward planning to have a freezer full of food so bacon and egg rolls are not the only food available during chemo (love you hubby!!)
I began to ask questions – and more than usual. Found myself becoming agitated at the fact that the answers were not as forthcoming as I would have liked and I have held the opinion for a very long time and right now, in some (certainly not all) cases, questions are not very welcome as it is not something expected.. It is a we will do this and you will agree.. mmmm.. I have never been very good with that scenario!
It is such a hard thing to try and explain – the thoughts and feelings that I deal with each and every day. I choose to face things head on and deal with them on a daily basis. Ensuring if at all possible they are dispatched and solved. If not find the best course of management to reduce the impact. Give me a little bit of time and I can usually find the funny side of any situation (yes, my humour can get just a little dark!!) but it has taken a couple of days this time around..
You see, against all the advice, statistics and people in the know.. I fully believe that I have every chance to beat this disease. But dont head off and find the straight jacket just yet!! I understand my situation better than you would think and as an Optimistic Realist I am currently covering all bases. But not because I am defeated, but because it gives me peace of mind that things are and about to be in place and I will not have to concern myself as time goes on. (quietly, everyone should really have this stuff in place!!). I want to live my life, to the best and most amazing level that I can for the time I am allotted. I am hoping for a long time but who really knows.
Life is not how long it is how good….
Looking at my Don’t Wait – Just Do it List I wonder if I will get through it.. I will be happy with just some of the many items.. Best scenario.. whoooooo hooooo all of them and then start on a new one.. Pipe Dream ?? Don’t know but I will be trying my hardest to spend quality time with family and friends.
So there you have it.. I am no longer playing a game of chess (but I would prefer it) but have found myself playing snakes and ladders and I have landed on a snake.. So it is off for radio to ease my hip pain. Power Port (and everytime I say that I feel like it should be a strong voice over guy saying it… poweeeeerrrrr poooorrrttttttttt!!!!) so my veins can sigh a collective sigh of relief and no longer be used to deliver the fumigation to the squatters. and then there is the chemo.. A necessary evil and one that I am more prepared for than ever before. I have my team at the ready and am returning to the one day at a time scenario.. I have done it before and can indeed do it again..
First aim – stop them from growing and multiplying
Second aim – shrink them
Third aim – have them lost and unable to be found on my scans
and all the while.. HAVE FUN and spend quality time with family and friends and try to get some of my list ticked off.. I mean, what good is a list if you just sit it there and ignore it?? Money aside.. I am sure there are things I can tackle..
and finally, I suppose it goes without saying.. Keep this awesome new eating protocol on track as much as possible during treatment.. I feel so fantastic, it is almost like a joke that my liver is having a party!!!!
So there you have it.. I now need to actually catch up on all the posts I should have already written – a chapter or three in the apartment block. Next step with my new and improved Food Princess story and many other things.. But they will have to wait their turn.. But it will happen.. I can see just so much going on in the next few months.. So many words to put onto paper.. So many pictures to take.. so much food to cook and freeze (yes, I have not forgotten) and if anyone out there is good at organising wardrobes please……… let me know.. Mine is in desperate need of a makeover even more than me perhaps!!
Oh and perhaps the best and most awesome idea.. a lanyard with a pad of post it notes with a hole through them attached and hanging around my neck during chemo.. You see I could make a list of all the things I need to be doing so I do not forget.. Put the one and only problem with that plan is remembering where the list is!!! so the note lanyard could be the fashion statment of the year !!!!