It is now just over 12 months since I began fighting my squatters and my first real mental “wall” has been hit and thankfully passed. Treatment is exhausting as your body tries to balance itself with all the toxins and poisons that are introduced and along with the intensity of strength, movement and thoughts becoming compromised it sometimes just beats you. As this disease continues, you run on a knifes edge and it can be the one thing you did not factor in that bumps you into the “what if” syndrome (WIS) for a while. My thoughts on the WIS are well and truly out there and I can cope with these bumps but sometimes they are just a little harder to get past. They are the things that question everything you believe and are trying to achieve. They can hit you very hard because they come from a place you did not see or expect, but it is life and there is no choice but to wade through it and just keep on trying.
My life is way better when I am not in the WIS land. But sometimes I see that it is a place that I need to be so that I can re-group and get going again. Let’s face it. Positive all the time can be totally exhausting for you and those around you. On day one I was told that I cannot be cured, but I still fight these squatters every single day and still continue to work towards my best possible outcome – NED (No Evidence of Disease).
After hitting this wall and then getting over it, my quest has indeed taken another bit of a hit with the very recent diagnosis of a new primary breast cancer in my right breast – and no.. I did not see it coming !!!! But it is just something else to deal with and I will not stop the working towards becoming a better me.
In the meantime I am changing and healing myself from the inside-out. I can only give my mind, body and soul the best possible environment to live in. The rest is indeed up to them.
I have spent my entire life striving for perfection. Being liked, correct, first, best, approved of and many more of those thoughts and feelings. Yes, that right there, is a classic Organisational Entrepreneur or more simply put a Control Freak. These things can be a good set of traits, but I always went above and beyond in my quest to achieve.
During my working life, I always thought that I was happiest when tackling 10 things at once. Knew every single answer for just about everything anywhere in the place and if indeed I did not know the answer, would know where to find it. When I look back at the amount of extra time spent “just getting things done” I realise that I could indeed have spent much of that time in a more user friendly mode with friends and family and still got the job done with a high level of professionalism.
What did it get me? Well for short periods of time it made me happy. But that never lasted because I always felt that I was not good enough and needed to continuously try harder and harder for all the things that make a perfectionist happy.
I will let you in on a little secret. When a perfectionist strives for a goal and gets there, they are never ever happy for long. There is the next level and the next level and it never ends. So in the end you are NEVER happy just terribly stressed and believe me, I have had experienced my fair share of stress.
I believe I have changed and continue to change, and it is for the better. Before I Needed to be in control and now I just need to have some control. There is a seriously huge difference in the two and I am glad I have found that difference.
This is just me and I am one single person. But everyone has a “thing” or two that they cart around with them every single day. Something that they do not know how to solve or don’t have the time or energy to do it. If this is you and you not careful it can and will consume you.
I started trying to change over 20 years ago but only really started to “get it” about 12 months before my diagnosis. Stop and look inside yourself.. Ask the question of what you are looking for.
The way you approach most things is within your power.
The situation either owns you and you continually relive it over and over again or;
you own it and work through it and then move on from it.
- I give myself a break, you can only do what you can do – Especially when you are a Turtle – and a Super one at that !!!
- I no longer feel like a failure just because I just choose a line in the sand and finish a task.
- Approval from others is way less important than it used to be
- I tell my family what I feel and how much them mean to me.
- Softer and sometimes less defined edges are pretty awesome
- The small things in nature are worth noticing and they are free
I almost fell off my chair a few months back when an email arrived starting with… “Wouldn’t it be sad if you got cancer and then realised you needed and wanted to change your life ?” mmm.. First I was angry that the email was so insensitive. But really, the message is right and how would they have known anyway !!!! It does not need to be cancer, there are dozens of things that could be put in it’s place. The question can apply to just about everyone.
So I say to you all, look inside and see if there is something in there that you hold or hide and weighs you down. If there is, make a conscious decision to do something about it and choose something small to begin with. Things to remember:
- Start small and aim big..
- Stop beating yourself up about things that you cannot change. Work on those things that you can.
- Even if you strive to change 5-10% of your life at a time so it can be achievable find your reason, your catalyst.
- No matter what your situation find one thing about the day that is good and concentrate on that. Push the negatives aside.
- When you are too tired to work on the plan, accept that and rest. Move on after you have rested.
These are only small suggestions but they will start a chain reaction that you will never want to come back from.